[	Current Location	|	new room.	]
[	mood	|	blank	]
[	music	|	MERRY ~ Blind Romance	]

…Hey, it’s obscene and it's green and automatic. I know how to make it seem like it’s your fault. And fault doesn’t lie with me just because I want a romance like in the novels; doesn’t mean you can use me for all I’m worth. Worth, then again, isn’t counted for much anymore and that thing we call romance is dead. So dead, it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece. Pieces of girls are saluted with valour by boys who are more interested in thighs and fishnets. Breasts and bones. So I start a fight because I need to feel something. And you do what you want because I'm not what you wanted. Wanted, but never as first prize, always second place and the person who I should know the most is almost like a stranger in the dark; a welcome acquaintance. Acquaintance by chance, raping me at will without a consequence and saying "it’s all for the best". Best luck never wins the race; even with my curse of curves, it takes me and leads me astray with little sympathy. But who am I kidding. Even the close ones are strangers. And even though I smile and say "yeah, yeah, it’s all right", things haven’t been right for too long. Long enough for the shadows in my bedroom to start creeping up on me when I’m unawares. Unaware in thinking that I’ll give up, the white rabbit promises respite but I can never catch it. It lies you see, the cheating bastard won’t let me win. Win my heart’s desire which lies somewhere through the hallways and when I’m sitting alone in class. Class is something he lacks indeed, when he makes me think I have a choice, but don't give me choices because I can't decide. My mind is soaked in words. I've come to terms with almost all my insecurities and purity's no friend of mine. But none of this helps much; words do not express thoughts very well.  Infact, feelings shouldn't be expressed with words anyways. Well, they always become a little different immediately as they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. Foolish, like chasing an imaginary rabbit down a flight of stairs with no end in sight…

…and anyway, this plane was meant to crash.

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	Epik High - Lesson 3	]

It was one of those warmish winter days today. 
Or should I say spring? Anyhow, I stood admiring the crowds around me, families, their relatives... groups of friends.
I saw the tables and chairs fill up and bubble with laughter. I opened the door, took a breath, strode right up to the employee and asked for one ticket for ''300.''

That's right, ONE ticket. Not a typo. Just one ticket for me, nobody else.
You see, boys and girls, I've gone shopping alone, eaten meals alone...
hell, I even take a shit alone. So... why not enjoy the most basic form of entertainment alone? Why not watch a movie with nobody else but the voices but the voices in my head? 

As it were, I proceeded into the theatre whilst holding on to a comforting bag of popcorn. 
I watched as people entered the theatre. I saw them in pairs, trois, quintets, families of more... but never just one person like me.
At that moment, I hunched down further in my seat, pulled my hat down lower, munched quietly on my popcorn...
And I felt unbearably pathetic. 

PATHETIC WHAT NOW?!!

Gad, I should have sat up STRAIGHTER, munched my popcorn LOUDER, sipped my root beer with PRIDE! 
Besides, what's the big deal about watching a movie by yourself? So what if I enjoy a little quality time with me and my voices?
Does going to the theatre alone make me a loser with a capital "L"?

Ah well, whatever. This movie was spilling so much testosterone, I had to check to make sure I hadn't grown balls or extra in embarrassing places afterwards.  
And this movie was such a stereotypical GUY movie. 
ME MAN! ME STRONG! ME CONQUER WOMEN, THEN CONQUER WORLD! 
ME RUN AROUND IN UNDERWEAR AND CAPE TO SHOW BIG MUSCLES!

The only redeeming part of this movie; I saw it alone >;]

[	mood	|	uncomfortable	]
[	music	|	Epik High - Fan	]

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.  
At the stage that I'm in, I'd better be Herculean when all of this is over.

[	mood	|	artistic	]
[	music	|	Dir en grey - Conceived Sorrow	]

Finally received Diru's new album. All week I didn't have the chance to listen to it, so finally I listend to it last night and I'm listening to it now as well. For some reason... I'm not quite that impressed. Don't get me wrong, I think it's worth a listen, but it's exactly like its predecessor (Withering to Death)... except MORE. Where's the innovation? Where's the experimentation that made them... THEM..? Even Shinya's drumming which is usually inspirational is just bleh this time around.

I dunno, maybe I'm just tired of Kyo's melodramatics. In any case, Conceived Sorrow, Namamekashiki Ansoku, Tamerai ni Hohoemi (I can't believe I just typed that all out), and the Pledge still give me some hope. Proof that Kyo can still sing and emote without having to squeal like a pig in heat (something new in his abilities >.>)

Anyhow, this is just my opinion so don't hiss at me ( ._.).

[	mood	|	sore	]
[	music	|	Girugamesh - Aimai na Mikaku	]

tickle tickle, heheh.
so yesterday i went to metrotown in vancouver. my friend dragged me there... she wanted to see crystal mall -.-;;
i really didn't feel like going, either. i wanted to watch a movie, but then i watched a movie today (Stomp the Yard) so meh. 
my feet hurt >_< i was walking in my converse, and let me tell you, THIS SHIT DOES NOT TICKLE! they aren't the most comfortable shoes to walk around all day in. 

anyhow, i don't know how to lj cut so... i'll just post pictures.
... would anyone mind explaining to me how to do the lj cut? (pleaseeeee D; i'm a super nOOb aiight? SHADDAP!)

( picturessss )

[	Current Location	|	the fxxking GARBAGE can.	]
[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	Jay Chou - Back to the Past [how fitting -.-]	]

I am going to use proper english tongiht, because my exam is next week >_<! [and i shall refrain from using damned computer faces!]

Anyhow, so I watched this show tonight. I know absolutely NOTHING about the pinoy music or entertainment, so it was quite funny to watch. I really wish I'd paid more attention when I was young and actually LEARNED the language. All I know is Polish, and I'm not satisfied at all. I envy my mom, she's incredibly bilingual, knowing five languages almost fluently. I need to tap into my Filipino side, I'm seriously more Polish than ANYTHING else. One of these days, I'll move to Manilla for a year and live with my aunts/cousins/relatives, and I will learn tagalog once and for all!!!

I have quite a lot to say about my -ahem- PROBLEMS, so I suggest you stop reading now unless you're willing to read my self-loathing junk. 
So it begins...

For those of you who know me well, I'm the kind of person that has always been trying to persue happiness. Back in my adolescent "pre-teen" years, I used to practically romanticize the idea that being restless and depressed was some sort of an "elegant sadness" with which I could carry on with my life.  I was young and naive, and my parents put me up to so many events (figure skating, ballet, gymnastics, piano, you name it). Back then, I didn't know how to cope with how busy I was. All I knew was 'work work work!' and from this, depression became somewhat of an outlet for me. I struggled. 

I didn't realize that I was constantly under a lot of pressure, and I was so damn obsessed with self-pity. All my life, I've been quite discreet about issues or problems I was going through, but now.. I guess I'm more verbal. Life feels like a mess, and I just keep spewing my problems to anyone and everyone that will listen.

It used to be that I was a leader, but now I've become a follower. I used to have the energy and confidence to stand up to people, but I lack all those qualities now. Aka... Karina is a doormat. It sucks because in a way, I kinda let people walk all over me - when they make me angry or sad. I usually avoid it... but it makes matters worse, ofcourse. 

A while ago I was watching the Korean Drama called Full House. (I LOVE DRAMASS!! addictiveee to the MAX!) but yeah, there's this character that's almost exactly like me. She's depressed all the time, burdens her problems on other people. She cries, she's needy, and her unhappiness just hangs around her like a gloomy cloud. She doesn't know what she wants, and looking at her behaviour... I thought I was looking at me. I'm like that. Like her, I always try to pursue happiness for myself, and don't really regard other people. I loathe my lack of willpower for anything, and my need to change it. I get really stupid, start making promises that I'll change, I'll get better, I'll stop doing this or that. 

But it never ends up happening, and then... well. I don't know anymore.
UGHH THAT SOUNDS SO AWFUL BLAHHHH!!!!

I don't want that. Another character in Full House, was completely different - she was bright, always smiling, she cried when she was hurt, and she wasn't a spinless ass - she stood up for herself. The thing is, she wasn't selfish, and didn't focus on things to make herself happy. Just by being herself, and enjoying who she was with others - cheering up people when they were sad, or simply by just "being there," not only did she spread happiness wherever she went, but she was... HAPPY.

Desiring happiness for others, is much more fulfilling in anyway than desiring happiness for self. 

Gads. I feel so... empty.

[	Current Location	|	living room	]
[	mood	|	restless	]
[	music	|	no music :o	]

apparantly "hikikomori" means "social withdrawal"
i just found this phrase amusing XP
this from the lovely Nao of Alice Nine. 

anyhow, i don't know why, but it's really hard for me to fall asleep tonight.
as a matter of fact, it's like this EVERY night.
i keep thinking about useless shit, and it goes on in circles, I'VE HAD ENOUGHHH!!!
i need the switch for my brain to TURN OFF dammit -.-
fxxking insomnia, always out to get me. 

does anyone at this day and age have a night of PEACEFUL rest, where the mind is FULLY AT EASE!?!!?!?
...no, i didn't think so either. 

exams starting this week! [friday]
...i'm gonna go watch ANNE OF GREEN GABLES, HEHEH!
'cause i'm a loser, but i never get tired of these kind of movies...
"Sound of Music" and "King and I" ... seriously, i'm a sucker for the classics. 
ESPECIALLY DISNEY!  

-ahem-
and i want a pair of CREEPERS :T

'NIGHTTTTT!